Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
