Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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