How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
