there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
