My hand turned me down
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
