Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Semen is not good for contacts.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
