No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
