there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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