I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
