i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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