failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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