Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
