He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
