I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
