sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
