I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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