I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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