Already got asked if we're dating
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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