im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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