guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
