I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
