She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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