dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
