God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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