Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
