my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
