I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
