I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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