Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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