so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
