sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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