I didn't shave. On purpose
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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