You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This toilet bowl is my home.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
