my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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