drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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