I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
