My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
