we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
