Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
