I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
