Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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