if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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