You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
