someone threw a dead crab at me
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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