i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
