Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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