he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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