I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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