i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We left the knife in your bed.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
