I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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